Tani Burton, MSW is a practicing psychotherapist based in Jerusalem, and is a faculty member and lecturer for the English Program at the Yanar Institute.
Couples therapy almost always involves people who have come to you for help in resolving conflicts between them. It is tempting to be drawn into this request and to become the arbiter of the dispute, deciding who is wrong and who is right, engineering some type of compromise that both parties accept (at least at that moment in your office), and making recommendations for a “treaty” between the members of the couple. Yet, research conducted by the Gottman Institute reveals that 69% of conflict in marriages is irreconcilable. At first glance, a statistic like that should close down the entire field of couples therapy. In reality, however, this information is a gift to all of us who work with couples, because it shifts our focus to a higher goal: the management of conflict instead of the resolution of conflict.
Marriage is a cross-cultural experience. Even where spouses have made extensive efforts to find a mate who, on paper, is a perfect match, according to criteria such as religious orientation, mode of dress, choice of community, and philosophical outlook, they will inevitably find themselves in conflict. This is due to the fact that they come from different families, and while the family is a small unit when compared to society as a whole, it is nevertheless a mini-culture with its own rules, expectations, customs, and myths. People from distinct families joining together will encounter very significant differences in their assumptions about how life is supposed to be lived. Furthermore, all of these elements contribute to a person’s sense of identity and meaning. When these elements do not match up between marriage partners, the couple experiences conflict.
Operating from the assumption that the goal of couples therapy is to resolve or eradicate conflict in the relationship creates problems in therapy. First, it places the therapist in an unwarranted position of authority and the members of the couple in a debilitating role of dependence. The burden of conflict resolution cannot be hoisted upon the therapist, when the actual outcome of therapy should be that spouses gain the skills necessary to repair their relationship themselves. Second, the removal of conflict can sometimes mean real compromise to the respective identities of the spouses; marriage should be a context where each person can come into him or herself in an authentic way without compromise, knowing that he or she will encounter tolerance and respect for his or her uniqueness.
When we work towards the goal of managing conflict, on the other hand, we accomplish several things. First, we demonstrate that it is possible to co-exist peacefully and happily despite differences. Second, we can help the couple develop a deep sense of appreciation and respect for each o ther, not having to homogenize their identities for the sake of marital harmony, but recognizing that diversity within a relationship--even though it presents challenges--does not necessarily constitute a threat to the unity which brings those parts together.
Furthermore, managing conflict re-focuses the work with couples on psychoeducation and skills-building, which is a much more practical task for the therapist. Instead of being the judge, which is an inappropriate role in any case, the therapist can now impart to the couple the knowledge and practices necessary to getting through the rough spots. Now, the work moves in the direction of helping the couple stay positive, be more attuned to and responsive to each others’ needs and feelings, recognize their own respective contributions to the conflict, express appreciation for each other, and approach areas of conflict gently.
Conflict also provides a unique opportunity for self-transcendence, a critical quality in marriage. Respecting one’s spouse and attempting to see things through his or her eyes, is to perceive meaning as he or she understands it. Rather than the futile battle of wills that can result from disagreements, conflict may provide an important path towards knowing and encountering one’s spouse on a much deeper level. Allowing differences to exist peacefully lays the groundwork for creating a sense of shared meaning, which is the ultimate expression of unity in marriage.