שלום וברכה. בעלי ואני חזרנו בתשובה לפני כשנה. יותר בעלי מאשר אני. היו לנו חיים יפים ביחד לפני החזרה בתשובה. עבדנו, כמו כל משפחה, קשה כל השבוע, אבל סוף השבוע הוקדש לזוגיות, למשפחה. טיילנו, נהנינו, היינו עם הילדים ואחד עם השני. מאז שחזרנו בתשובה, אני מרגישה בודדה. בעלי מתקדם מהר יותר ממני, ואני שמחה בשבילו כי אני רואה שטוב לו. אבל לפעמים אני לא יכולה שלא לחשוב על כמה טוב היה לנו פעם וכמה לא טוב לי עכשיו. הוא כאילו החליף אותי באמונה שלו, וביחס שלו כלפי הדת. כאילו אין מקום לשנינו. מאחר והוא עובד כל השבוע, את השבת הוא מקדיש ללימוד, הוא בשיעור חצי מהשבת ובחצי השני הוא ישן. כל דקה פנויה, גם באמצע השבוע, למשל אחרי ארוחת הערב, הוא יושב לקרוא וללמוד. אני מבינה שהוא רוצה להתקדם, אולי אפילו מרגיש איזה חסך או צורך להשלים את כל הידע שהוא החסיר. ובכל זאת - האם זה רצון ה'? בשביל זה חזרנו בתשובה - כדי להתרחק אחד מהשני? אני מוכנה ללכת ולצעוד איתו ולהתקדם איתו, אבל לא רוצה לאבד את הזוגיות והמשפחה שלי. תודה.

Response in English

Wow, you're really going through a lot. You don't want to lose your connection with your husband, but it feels like religion is tearing the two of you apart. It is common for people who are chazer b'teshuva to "go off the deep end" at first - they are so inspired, and want to catch up on the years they have missed. Sometimes, these people don't realise that they are hurting the ones they love. The Torah places great emphasis on how a husband must take care of and please his wife. In this situation, your needs are not being met, and your husband has the obligation to address them, and do what he can to make you feel happy and loved in the relationship. Perhaps he's not aware of these halachot, or perhaps he does not know the extent of your feelings of isolation. Have you tried talking to him about it? If that doesn't work, do you have a Rav with whom you can both feel comfortable discussing the situation? If the issue persists, maybe it would be beneficial for you to try counseling with a professional; ideally as a couple, but perhaps just for yourself if your husband is unwilling to come. Wishing you much hatzlacha in attaining shalom bayit. Gemma

I have been married for 8 months now and I'm really happy with the way things are going. Understandably we have minor arguments but they seem to be becoming more frequent. We disagree on small issues but I don't feel that they're small at the time. My husband suggested we should go to therapy but I think that is just very drastic and not necessary. I wondered if you could tell me at what point it is normal for couples to go to therapy?

It depends!

While it may be true that couples often turn to therapy when there are serious issues in a marriage that are making life hard for one or both spouses, it does not have to be a "last resort". Indeed, many couples benefit from going to therapy even when there aren't drastic problems, simply to improve communication techniques and to build tools that will enable them to build an even better marriage. Some couples even go to premarital counseling before they even get married, and see it as a way of getting the marriage off to the healthiest start possible. It could be argued that taking these preventative steps early on might reduce the chances of a marriage coming to a point where therapy is desperately needed later on. Perhaps this is why your husband wants to try out therapy - not because he feels the two of you are in dire straits, but because he wants to find the best way to handle the minor arguments that inevitably come up. However, if you have reservations about doing this, maybe you could explore other ways to work on your marriage together, for example reading marriage self-help books or going to shalom bayis classes. You could try these or other ideas first and see if they are helpful to you both. If your husband insists that marriage therapy is something he feels is really important to him, perhaps you would you be open to trying it out as a favor to him rather than because you think it is something the marriage needs? WIshing you much hatzlacha!